Friday, November 18, 2005

Being married or wanting to be married or not wanting!

I’m like every other person, I have the desire to get married someday and live happily ever after but eissh the way married people make marriage look like , I ‘m awfully scared of it. I know I do not want to be alone for sure but the marriage thing is just scary. I ‘m not sure where this kind of a vibe is coming from at my age (See I'm of the marriage age in the Western world, but in African World, oh oh I’m a late bloomer and will die a spinster.) I can imagine my mum and grandma must be thinking that there is something wrong with me . Infact, one of my mum’s friend has accused my acquired education as the cause of my not meeting a marriage partner,She has said to me once “githomo kiu giaku nikio kiratuma wage muthuri:_) meaning that my academic pursuit is all to be blamed because according to her, men do not like a woman who is so educated (whatever that means.. really).

I have been told many a times that I’m a threat to men because "I know way too much in my academic achievement and the ways of the world:-)" , talk too much and engage in some stuff that are only reserved for men, in other words I’m a smart ass and I'm not what is considered in African sense "manageable woman" or docile . Mmmhh I will not go into that further but if someone is scared of my smart assnessness , then keep walking !

Nway I have acquitances and friends who are married and lately when I talk to each one of them , they keep giving me these vibes that marriage is the worst thing that has ever happened since Hiroshima. I'm yet to meet someone who is happy that they are married and would do it all over again. Married people are always talking about their spouses as these villains that they are forced to live with . The daily complaints of "Oh he/she did this, I can’t do this or that coz wifey will kill me, oh wifey did this, husband is home can’t talk "etc. I just do not get it but maybe would not since I have never been married, I have been close to it though Yikes!

Some of my married friends have even adviced me to not consider marriage. Why are married people always miserable about it? I thought when you are married to someone you loved that much to want to spend the rest of your life with, you should be the happiest or if not happiest just happy about the whole deal. What happens? Most people say that people change when they get married but is it a 360 degree turn? or why all over sudden someone becomes this stranger/monster to you to the point of not standing the person. I can see how someone has to adjust to accommodate another human being in their lifestyle but don’t people go into marriage knowing this or at least expecting to see all the changes.

I can understand if you courtship lasted a short period but aren’t there some red flags along the way between meeting – dating- engagement – marriage that should be a warning that this is who the person is and will not change so if you do not like it now ,you will not like it then ? or it is the hope of changing the person after the fact theory

Some people go into it thinking you can perform miracles and change someone. For some women ,they think if you cook nice meals after all the way to a man’s heart is the stomach, yeah right! Will change him to a saint , keep cooking I say !, he will only eat and get fat :-) but if you do not try to understand the reason underlying why he is who he is and acts the way he does then you are outta luck! If you marry a certain guy because you are running against some clock, you need financial security, you are afraid to grow old alone, then chances are you might overlook some stuff about the guy /woman you are getting married to only to get haunted by those red flags ten years down the line.

Don’t people hold honest dialogue about what they are getting into. For instance, if your mate to be has a bad breath, and you hate it , you better tell him/her that you cannot live with it the rest of your life and he/she has to find a way to make you comfortable around that breath, see a doctor, get some surgery or buy some mint supply to last a lifetime:-) or be prepared to live with it but if you cannot live with it at all, you might consider another option. If you sex is not up to per while dating be honest about it and get some Kamasutra lessons so that you will not go looking for it elsewhere or use that as an excuse for walking out of a marriage or staying miserable in it.

Folks have to be honest about everything ( well I would leave the number of people one has slept alone while being honest:-) before they get married and yes pre-marriage counseling (I do not believe in those) is good but both individuals have to be as honest as they can be, no pretence. Do not wait till 5 years later to come out of your pretence closet and surprise someone thinking that subsequently, all will be well.

Why marry someone who you know is not really the kind you would have wanted to marry only to divorce them 5 years later dragging some innocent children down with you?

So, when I make that choice to get married , I will lay down the cards on the table, and will let the person know what I can or cannot live with period!.

That is why I’m not in a hurry to jump the broom and that is why when I date someone I keep it real from day one , no surprises down the line., if he decides to pop the question they will have experienced my anger, joy, my mess or cleanliness, my eating habits, my gossip self at times, the critic in me,my sometimes arrogant, egoistic self, my childishness, my sexual needs, in other words I do not hold back incase I chase him away..way of thinking. He will know what he is getting into:-)
So my mama and cucu have to understand when I get in it,it is for good and plan to be happy in it! and nothing else will do however long I have to wait .

So to all married folks and those anticipating to be, stop hating on marriage or making it look like you are going to some hell or you are in some hell. If you don’t like being married walk out or shut up and make it work ,after all, you made the bed ,so lay on it!!!


Acolyte said...

Msanii,Milo and Nick!!!Kula hiyo!!!!Now let me read this post!

Acolyte said...

Ok now that I have read the post I can say a coupla things.As a guy I am not under as much pressure as you are as a chic.Yes I do agree with you that marriage is what you make it out to be and that it takes two ppl to make a marriage work and fail!COMMUNICATION it seems that at some point in marriages ppl stop talking/listening to each other.And yes some ppl do check into marriage with some fairytale notions ie I will change him & she should never change.But ppl do change and some ppl dont have the maturity to grow alongside their mates or cope with the fact that their mates may never change.So much to say.
As for your education being a threat...There are some men who feel daunted by educated women and some who aren't.But are you one of those women who keep on harping about your achievements when you are on dates and stuff?Coz there are men who dont mind women who have achieved but the y just dont like women who keep on telling them about how much they have done and how long it took them ad nauseum.Anyway I dont know the in situ you are in so i cant say much on that.Anyway good post!

Irena said...

Acolyte: I'm not in any situation:-)))
I usually would not talk about my achievement on a date and if I do, the date will have inquired about it and I will answer questions as asked and if a date keep dwelling on that topic then I guess that is a wrong date since I would rather talk about much more on what we have in common :-)than what my achievements are or are not.

Acolyte, I don't know but why a woman would keep telling the guy how much they have done and how long it took them? unless someone is using her achievement to provoke such a conversation?

nick said...

@acolyte with kachumbari kwanza
@irena: lol at githomo kiu telling u if u ever listen to family and relas..who never pursued eductation and were on their 3rd child by the age of 27 you would feel like a failure

-to the guys discouragin u i think its "they lay in theri bed now they should make it" ha haha

Irena said...

Nick:Yes man sometimes relas can mbe discouraging but they are relas and we still love em" :-)

jke said...

I completly agree on this issue of communication. The partner has to be an inspiration from the first day onwards and has to be loved the way he/she is. Else it just doesn't work out.

As for the academic achievments: there's nothing more boring than partners that don't respond on the same level.

You see, the place where I study, there are about 90% men - only a very few women and even less that are really interesting enough to start any dating business. And I am 30 years old now! Marriage? No way....maybe later.

Irena said...

JKE: Yes , good communication is the key to great relationship and someone who can match your intellect level even much better:-)

Irena said...

This was an email from a Frank Mwangi in MA who would not comment but left me an email and I thank him for give me his thoughts............

It has happened that i'm bored of burrying my head with book. In my way to look for something to interesting to surf, i bumped into your web. I have decided to read it and there something interesting i have seen. About something to do with marriage. Wanjiru, you have overturned the way people used to look at women according to your story. Why can't you overturn the table in the marriage diaspora. If you still fill intimidated, click frank, he will give you the best marriage ever. Otherwise spare us your own defeats. i'm in MA