Decision , Decision

Decision on my future,when does that end really?.Is there a time in this lifetime that a day will be coupled with a margarita or a cosmo, a lover or a hubby, bubbly little ones and no decisions to make but enjoy life and have someone make them for me

I remember writing this a while back. I wrote this here in January '06 and lo and behold!, the same animal has come to bite me. To go back to Kenya or not to go is the query? To accept an opportunity that could change my life and forgo some of the luxuries I enjoy here. To get closer to a future that could be with may be someone and be happy .

But I'M SCARED!

See, USA is not a cuppa of ketepa for me, I like the opportunities that are available to me financially and careerwise but then to what expense(my family, possible stable relationship, friends etc)?. Am I willing to give all that I think could right here and as a go getter as I'm , run back home and take the risk?.

Kenya is still my country, opportunities are endless in Kenya, Yes ! I believe so, why you ask? Because , I believe you create your own opportunities and I 'm willing to create them but the again, do I have the balls to do it? What if I fail, I will have no husband or lover to bury myself to in grief to or do I :-) I certainly cannot bury my head in shame with my failure to my dear mummy. She would be so worried ! I love her and I have always maintained my strength, surely I cannot show her my weakness. I would not want her to worry , you know how mothers worry even whenone has a flu:-)

Perhaps, if Kenya does not work out , I can go to Europe but would I fit in that society ? and to whom would I be running there to ,well perhaps someone would accomodate me ( I think so) but again would they stand to watch me adjust slowly, hate and then love the European culture, understand and misunderstand the European way at the same time. Miss Kenya all over again ?. Starting a new life in another part of the world at my age. How would I start making new friends all over again ? Would I even?

Then again, I fight with my thoughts and decide to stay where I'm , forgo the opportunity availed to me in Kenya, make my millions in USA, build a small empire but then again at 40 , I would be a old maid with a cat called " sammy" and an apartment full of classical music and those learn Italian by yourself tapes with some travel to the best destination in the world brochures.
But then again, travel with who? I would be alone, lonely, afraid to go to Kenya then and spend my retirement there. Who would take care of me? I have been gone too long I barely recognize anything Kenyan and at an old age, talk of culture shock?.

Anyway there goes my mind fighting with a decision that need to be made but I feel weak, I do not want to make this decision , I need someone to hold my hand tight and tell me they will be there with me whichever decision I plan to make and I do really need that one!

I'm back to blogging !

Well, it has been almost an year since I left the blogsphere for perhaps lack of ideas, boredom, hectic schedule and what have you. After much contemplation and many things that I felt the need to air my opinion , I have decided to be back. Well I have to dedicate to this to a friend who no matter how crazy, wishy washy, undecided , mean and everything else that I have been has always understood me. It is because of this person that I have decided that I should share my thoughts however incoherent with the world.

To you my friend, for always been supportive of my thoughts, the person who I never imagined would be part of me even in the crazy situation on how we became friends and sometimes we can be elusive to each other but to you my dear, thanks for always letting me know I'm not all that crazy even when I have QUIT you so many times .

The most humbling thing that person told me today when I went crazy on them was "I'm not interested in your process of elimination, I still consider you as a friend" -That brought tears in my eyes coz I know now you are a real friend and I love you for that!

With that, may our friendship last for a very long time, may we continue to support each other through thick and thin ! Chin chin to you my darlin friend and YES I'M BLOGGING AGAIN! I got it bad when it comes to you that I came back to blogging world partly coz of you , for letting me know my thoughts are worth and then some! I love you for always!