Decision on my future,when does that end really?.Is there a time in this lifetime that a day will be coupled with a margarita or a cosmo, a lover or a hubby, bubbly little ones and no decisions to make but enjoy life and have someone make them for me
I remember writing this a while back. I wrote this here in January '06 and lo and behold!, the same animal has come to bite me. To go back to Kenya or not to go is the query? To accept an opportunity that could change my life and forgo some of the luxuries I enjoy here. To get closer to a future that could be with may be someone and be happy .
But I'M SCARED!
See, USA is not a cuppa of ketepa for me, I like the opportunities that are available to me financially and careerwise but then to what expense(my family, possible stable relationship, friends etc)?. Am I willing to give all that I think could right here and as a go getter as I'm , run back home and take the risk?.
Kenya is still my country, opportunities are endless in Kenya, Yes ! I believe so, why you ask? Because , I believe you create your own opportunities and I 'm willing to create them but the again, do I have the balls to do it? What if I fail, I will have no husband or lover to bury myself to in grief to or do I :-) I certainly cannot bury my head in shame with my failure to my dear mummy. She would be so worried ! I love her and I have always maintained my strength, surely I cannot show her my weakness. I would not want her to worry , you know how mothers worry even whenone has a flu:-)
Perhaps, if Kenya does not work out , I can go to Europe but would I fit in that society ? and to whom would I be running there to ,well perhaps someone would accomodate me ( I think so) but again would they stand to watch me adjust slowly, hate and then love the European culture, understand and misunderstand the European way at the same time. Miss Kenya all over again ?. Starting a new life in another part of the world at my age. How would I start making new friends all over again ? Would I even?
Then again, I fight with my thoughts and decide to stay where I'm , forgo the opportunity availed to me in Kenya, make my millions in USA, build a small empire but then again at 40 , I would be a old maid with a cat called " sammy" and an apartment full of classical music and those learn Italian by yourself tapes with some travel to the best destination in the world brochures.
But then again, travel with who? I would be alone, lonely, afraid to go to Kenya then and spend my retirement there. Who would take care of me? I have been gone too long I barely recognize anything Kenyan and at an old age, talk of culture shock?.
Anyway there goes my mind fighting with a decision that need to be made but I feel weak, I do not want to make this decision , I need someone to hold my hand tight and tell me they will be there with me whichever decision I plan to make and I do really need that one!